godofhonour

I took a serious look over my my past few days, things had change so drastically and so dramatically tat i also dunno wat to do. i would never ever expect that i use my heart and sincerity to make friends and end up so being used and took for granted. i didn’t want to doubt and chose to believe but still taken for a joyride.

Ber is upset abt things that i had say. i just wanna say that i didn’t blame you for the things tat i bring up. there are ways to do a thing and ur perception and mine is different and tat doesn’t mean anything. i talk about the robots and puppets. i also didn’t blame you of the reins over me and neither am i uncomfortable about it. about rina’s comments on you not spending more time with her when u with me, i even told u that u  could spend 5 days a week at braddell and thats not i dun care. its because that i know the bonding among u 2 are strong. i never restrict u to go braddell at all. I accept it before we together and still accept it when we are together. I just asked that why this remarks are just being brought up again and again? I commented about you dun heed the advices that i gave, u ask for an example and i gave it and i am being slammed for remembering that. I was like !!!!!!! U said that if things are so unhappy, i shld have brought it up in the first instant. I was again like !!!!!! How many incidents that you are unhappy that i have to read your blog and ppl have to enlighten me then i will know about it?

Maybe i am rash that i need to vent my frustrations over bottles but that is just awhile. After awhile i am fine and everything is normal again. I told u i can’t sleep well without you at night cos i know when u with me at night, things will get better. Whenever i see you in the morning i know that the everyday will be better.You might wonder how come I didn’t kiss you when i left for work. Where did the lovey dovey things go? Where did the smses go? I can tell you that it hasn’t disappear it is still there. I kissed and you didn’t flinch cos i know you are tired. sometimes i kissed and you woke up with me. And i tot i will be a dear to let u have more sleep. While you in previous job i sms and sometimes u didnt return i know u are busy. Maybe its all my fault.

I think i on verge of breaking down, i am completely shattered by the things happening this few days. I think i need a shrink…………….

realised that i didnt blog for quite a long time. not a fanatic fan of blogging but it just happened that today too free. didn’t know what to do. got an exam coming up on monday. no mood to study.  was not feeling well for the past two weeks had a bad flu, cough then a fever came straight without recovering from the rest. Lets keep a track of what i been going thru:

My life:

had tons of stress. the god damn project is going to hand over soon and its stressing me up. lots of things to rush. lots of things to headache. quite temperamental these few days, unhappy with lots of decisions. funny part is that whatever i tried my best, it wasn’t reciprocrated and i was blasted time and time again till i dun even wat went wrong. i must learn not to take things for granted. things are not always in my favor. didn’t sleep well and had lots of weird dreams. had also just disappointed my dear ber over a night. i couldn’t believe that i actually disappoint her in just a night. I took her for granted, i screamed at her. She has the right to be disappointed when i think back cos i know the two W’s had treated her that way too. The ironic thing is when i lunched with ball this afternoon, i told ball that whatever that i do i have to consider very very carefully cos i dun ber to be reminded of the sad things again. I didn’t had such luck in 4ds or toto. and i actually hit the bull eyes twice in a row in that mere 10 mins or so. serves me right. i must be very sensitive and careful from now on. i cannot afford to make anymore mistakes.

My family and band of brothers:

family been well, mum is recovering fast after the ops. she is feeling like better than never before. she had put her burden down and learn to relax in life.

jim’s dad had been out of the hospital and back to ren ci. been hard on him too. he is having exams and the b.o.b. wun be having gathering soon till early may. good luck jim and ivan.

and to the rest, not i disappear. just have too many things to do. i be back soon to sour u all soon.

by the way, mr teo, when is our god son coming??? we the brothers are waiting impatiently….wahahahaha

the rest:

i heard a lot of ppl ard me who have bfs tat double timed them. i feel so sorry for them at the same time i salute their guys. How on earth they get so much time and energy to double time? Are they too free or wat?

afternote:

had lots of grievances. had alot of stress. life isn’t fair. i am contented with wat i have now. have a great lady who never forsake me,understand me. have a family who supports me in everything i do, have my band of brothers who i know i can call on and wherever they are, they will assemble in shortest notice and back me up. its enough. i am blessed.

2005 is over. It is been a difficult year for me as i face the uphill challenges against the almost impossible in work and relationships. After this i tot it will be fine in 2006. but it didnt went on as well as i thought it will be. i appreciate all the people who so concerned about me. its been so kind and i am touched. i had my fair share of ups and downs in the final months in 2005. i made new friends. broke up a relationship. got to a new one and i moved on. i forgot the hurt and pain i endured. i know very well what i want and i know where i will wanna be. i dun regret my decisions as i know i chose the path myself and nobody could force me.

In 3rd quarter of 2005, i chose to do some stuns in my work. i had suffered setbacks or rather major setbacks as i tot i could breeze thru it easily. I put myself in great disadvantages and tot i could defeat all odds. minus the backstabbers, i almost succeeded but i still sucumb to their backstabs. Never mind, i know setbacks are unevitable in life. But i am sure that one day, i will give you back all that i give. Believe me, i will.

In 4th quarter of 2005, i did something against my principles in my private life. But i dun regret it. i believe i control my fate. Life and death is predestined but not my fate.  I been warned, i been cautioned. I went ahead cos i know i just want her. All of you believed I am sensible in doing and handling things. I didn’t disappoint all.

Since the day i chose to be with belinda, i know the odds against me. I been in and out of many relationships cos the outcome is the same. I dunno how to act pitiful. They believe i am strong in handling all the break-ups and believe the exs are more vulnerable to break ups. They chose to go back and gave the exs another chance. I will never hold them back as I know they been in the relationship for so long and it deserve another chance to try it out. Deep inside me, i know that the return is sure. i believe that if i love someone, i should let her go and if she returns and i know she is mine. It is still my belief. In case that you dunno, i commit in every relationship that i went thru. I use my heart, my mind, my time and everything. Ppl told me that it totals doesn’t sound like my appearance that they see that I look fierce and cruel. Ppl who know me well will know how devastated i am when a relationship fails. I ain’t no saint. I will break down one day.

The below is specially dedicated to Belinda.

Dear,

You had heard my stands and so does Rina and Lena. The fact that I cc the smses that i send to you to them is because they deserve to know what’s going on between us. they had been great friends and i am overwhelmed by their concern. they want you to be happy and so do I. I am not putting up a show or trying to gain sympathy. All had been sad that you had to went thru all these difficult times. I or rather we, will want to share all the bad times with you. We have to be tested so thoroughly to be together. I wish to tell you that the enthusiasm will last if we are keep it going together. It is no use that I clap alone or you sing alone. Our love should be a duet (brings on the song Forever Love)and it will be lovely that we could sing together. We have our own past and the memories should be keep intact to remind us that the mistakes that we made should be seen as an experience for the future. Don’t keep thinking that you can’t give anything nor promises to me. It can be if you really want. I am nothing great except i hold on my beliefs and know what i want.(bring on the song NI AI WO XIANG SHUI) I still want to bring out the best in us. I read your email to me today and i feel touched and proud of you. I didn’t misjudge. Ppl without passion and feelings are animals. It isn’t a good outcome but you did try. You can’t blame him as nobody wants to fail in things that they do and nobody wants to be lonely. He had his fair chance of getting back to you but he didn’t do anything. Using external factors to solve the disputes between you two is suicidial. There is NOTHING that can’t be solve if a couple are united and the mutual understanding between them and not to mention the love that 2 shared. You tried these 5 years to be the one for him and really gamble the love and time that you had. You took the first step out cos of all the things that you supressed in you to make it work. Although the outcome isn’t what you want, you had tried and the least thing is to blame yourself. You been hard on yourself for shifting all the blame to yourself. It shouldn’t be in that way. if he really understood, he didn’t you to take all the blame too.

I dun want you to regret by chosing being with me. The fact that i am happy and you are happy is the proof that we are matching. I will never leave you unless you want me to leave. I will never cool off unless you want to cool off. They tell me to cool off and observe what you really want and as much as i hate it, i feel i should because you still don’t know and unsure of it. If you could take the first step into it, it will be great and the duet betweens us will be one that all will be envied of. I read thru the email again and again. I couldn’t find anything that could seperate us and I am glad cos it takes us a lot of courage to be together and i do not want it to end so easily.

After all, I have the resposibility to make you happy, dote on you, care for you, understand you, communicate with you and love you. (brings on the song TENG NI DE ZHE REN aka the responsible in doting you). To be happy and contented, it still weighs down on you to make that happen.

Man, I just love my life. My threats have been gotten out of my way one by one. I am awaiting for the next to come in. Been with Lena for the past few days to help her out on her dad’s wake. I seldom slept so late or is it early? 4-5am in the morning. Good thing is she had grown up and matured. She is not as weak she seems to me. Guo Ran Mei You Bai Teng Ni You are great! You are starting to learn to know what you should want and while all other pressures piled up and you are still cool headed about the decision you made. This time round, whatever decision you made, either correct or wrong, you can’t regret it. Talking about regret. Benny confide in me recently. He told me that he had problems with marriage. I was stunned cos all along they had been happily married and they are those golden couples that all envy. Shouldn’t say what cause the divorce cos he himself also not sure about it. He just knows that he wants out but he is confused to whether stay or go. This coincides with another friend of mine who had her fair share of problems. I just wanna ask : Do you have any idea what the hell you want? Do you know what the hell you are doing? You wanna get out of it a minute and the next minute you hesitated. You asked your friends, you asked your siblings and you forgot to ask yourself. You asked yourself and you dunno what you want. I forgot to tell you that love is not being used to being together. Love is not something you could ask other people for opinions. You dunno what you want and therefore you are prone to make mistakes. Your that so called lover, Kit, had chose to leave you alone just to be fair to you and she didn’t want to influence your decision and so the best thing is to temporarily separate and I know it hurts her cos she just wanna be with you no matter what barriers or principles she has to break. I could understand that cos I was once in her shoes too. Guess what’s the best part of it? She dun even dare to tell you how she feels and she needs ME, ahem, to let you know. Love is a great thing especially that someone so cool headed and decisive could fall in love with someone married when she jolly well know it is something wrong about it and she still go ahead for it. Well, maybe I had already lost all faith in that. I could only be that pillar of strength and support or even harbour to my friends. Perhaps that I am the only one that is damaged but not sunk yet. Perhaps my evil twin is afterall a kind hearted beast?

To Benny,

Once you decided, it is not something that you can regret. You either lose the marriage or you lose the one who is waiting for you. She carries no baggage from the past love affairs. You are the one who is doing so. You are fortunate cos you know that whenever you need someone, she is there for you.

Never mind if you dun understand afterall you are a silly guy. Dun need to ask me, just ask her.

From Kenji on behalf of Kit

This school holidays from Mid November to End December, I have a important mission to accomplish. My project is undergoing major operations. All eyes are on me in how I lead my team, yes, you all got it again, The Young Commander Army. Sounds familiar is it? Like that “Da Tang Shuang Long Zhuan” Zhong Shao’s Army. Coincidentally, I also Zhong Shao. LOL. The major client is watching me on how I going to perform this project. I dun wanna lose….. I wanna WIN! Your so called obstacles wun deter me! All are watching on how I gonna turn this losing battle into a victorious feat. 4 colleagues had left from this project. Under no other alternatives, I have to take over this project. Yes! It is difficult and it is not like those any other projects. It demands 100% concentration if not 200%, working between tight budgets and 2 vacant posts that I myself have to fill them in. The pressure is tremendous, the pace is extreme fast. But if I cant do it, nobody can.

To my brothers, you all exam finish liaos then we go chiong. But meanwhile you all fighting your exams, I am fighting this war. Then to Albert, Michael and Lao Beng, get ready your poms poms and cheer us on. Wahahahaha. After this, we can go batam and do our fishing and our laze-around-at-the poolside things.

To rest of my friends, I be with you all in early next year. My programs has been scheduled that I think if you all need one in Mircosoft project format, I can gladly email to you all. Go ahead and organize the outings and gatherings. I may pop by if I got the time.

To my princess,

Forest

, I remember our dinner on the 18^th. Better remember ah! If miss this time, we dunno when we can meet up again. Got lots to catch up. Thanks for being so understanding. I think we very difficult to chat till late nights liao. Uncle old liaos leh…. Cannot company you jump here and there liaos…….hehe…..

Then to that special someone who keeps telling me to stay away from Taurus girls. Then I so sad cos my mum is a Taurus too. Lol.

Met a new friend Eva aka Baby_pow. The first sight I set on her, was like wat nana said. How come she let me feel as though I am with katt? Especially the Grrrrrr!!! Part. Eva you know what I mean. Lol. I still miss those days that she purrrrs and grrrrsss in the night. The only difference is Katt knows how to catch a guy’s heart, but she always say that I am an evil beast. My eyes always make her feels so scare to do anything that incur my wrath. She has been sleeping besides me for a year liaos. No we are not married yet. Our pact and promises we made had never been realized. But that is all over and gone. You need someone who could be at your side everytime you need him. I couldn’t carry on this life with you together. You had lost so much things in life. All I wanted to do is to provide you with much better things in life. Probably this way became a reason for neglecting you and for us parting ways. Where ever you are, you will always be happy cos at some part of the world, there is somebody who is hoping that you being with the one that you love.

I just wanna tell Katt, if she ever happen to stumble across this….. “ I just hope that our love could resonate the world so that where ever I go, I would hear its echo.”

That night was singing with them. The attendance:

Lena

, Wendy, Andy, Eva, Belinda and me. Andy and Eva went home early and again I was left alone to handle the girls… I could already predicted what would happen soon. And like wat I think, it really happened AGAIN! I shouldn’t mention what happen as I believe I repeated enough. Eva asked me why everybody has a blog. I was wondering in the past, but I got the answers. I wrote this blog for my own memories (Uncle got long term memory lost lah) at the same time, I am tired of repeating things all over again and again. (Eva, does this answer your question? Lol)

I been in their shoes before as mentioned in my earlier entry. I know what their going thru. Both cases are sad. But the saddest part is couldn’t pick themselves up when they know the truth. I explained before that being in love is as good as gambling. There are only two outcome. Since your decided on that day that you stake your claim on it, you got to accept the outcome. If you failed to get the outcome you wanted, then do it until you get it right lah! Wass the problem man? You think you can live thru the years waiting for that history? Then you should be staying in the god damn museum!

Then here comes my scandal with Belinda. I said she got beautiful eyes, then I happen to read her blog and she said her first bf say the same thing. Ok never mind. I said her legs nice, then I read her blog again then somebody say the same thing. Ok fine! I shouldn’t comment again. Cos what ever I say, mean for her only, it somehow reach other people ears. We had a nice chat at her void deck. She is a true friend. I like the way she handle things but sad to say she couldn’t use that on herself. I read her blog closely and ask her a few questions. She then asked me what do I think from a guy’s point of view. I couldn’t comment much based on the things she wrote. But I can confidently say that once the trust is gone, the love is gone too. But that is based on my own bestiality mind. Just like what my character is, I can trust anybody even though we know each other for one day only. But once you lie to me, you could jolly well forget about letting me trust you again.

So long never update myself liaos…. i been busy with work all this while. Then i realised that there are so many people who are so down in relationship problems…. those whom i see that are so loving once upon a time, came down crashing.

Been drinking with lena and wendy recently. I just wanna say, everybody gets hurt. Is up to you all to pick yourselves up. U all seen how me and Katt ended. I been devastated. But so? My life is not going to stay there for someone who dun want me. I wanna give myself a chance and others a chance too. Lena and Wendy shld be thinking this way too. Why be so cruel to yourself and be so unhappy about it? What the hell you all thinking? Er…..or is it I am a beast? Maybe the truth is i dun wanna lose…

Got to know belinda. She is real gorgeous. Charming eyes… er…but the rest never really notice cos her eyes already enchanted me… didnt really got to know her better. maybe becos she is married. I can sense that she isnt particularly want to get hitched with her present husband. Maybe what you want is what you not going to get. Maybe there are other reasons but i dun wish to know. I am not a saint, i will be down and make mistakes too. But the end of the day, if i, myself, cant make myself happier, i can forget about letting other people to make me happy. My job is to coax and con people. But sometimes let lena and wendy lydat ah…..want to coax and con also no use must trample all over them then they will understand and learn. A sage said one thing before: How you expect to take care of your beloved when you yourself cant even take pressure from all directions? The people all think it is true (fei hua!) i also know it is true.

Guess who is the sage? Er…. ME LAH! (Tio snook liaos) Wahahaha!!! GO think about it bah. and i will only help those who want to help themselves.

This is it! Mom’s going for ops for suspected colon cancer on Monday. What is happening here? It has been a long time since i heard any good news. The week before last she left. This week is my mom. I know i am strong. But will it help? I dun want to lose, but i never tot this time round i think i understand the taste of losing…

I send jimmy to hospital yesterday. Tis upcoming monday, i be sending my mom. I wish them all well.

I wondered wass is going to happen next week…

lits been almost 2 weeks since she left, funny thing is my appetite didnt got better. i appreciate my band of brothers with me the day she left. It had been so anagonising and they still lifted me up and marched on. man….they are the brothers that i always cherished… The old beng also came down despite of his busy schedule, not once but twice. Offering me with such morale-boosting advices that i would want to record that down and replay again. My life is  blessed with them around me. Anytime, anywhere, they never leave me in lurch.

I feel so hurt when she left. Forgotting all the vows and commitments made and left my family wondering and sad. I didnt blame her for leaving as I know how much she means to me and she need someone better to lead her life on.

Colleagues still did not believe that I had recovered cos i had became so unapproachable and quiet, my office had suddenly turned into darkness overnight. Instead of those sunshine and noisy days that they used to , it had turned into darkness. So much as my MD start to accompany everywhere i go, trying to cheer me up, keep repeating that i got a huge leadership role to play , the men are waiting for me to lead them back to their roles.

Friends tot i had totally changed and became those quiet guy instead of the leader of the group type and cheerful and seems there is basically no problem in my life. I know that they had the best interest of my heart, i really appreciate that.

Today, i felt some what better. It is time to let go forever. The days when i was in complete wreck, had made me a better man. I know it is not worth it. The bed that we shared seems so strange and big. Honestly i still didnt get used to it. Honestly, I still cant sleep in nights. Honestly, I still cant stomach food. Honestly, I will be back!!!

<table align=center border=1 bordercolor=black cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4 width=200px><tr><td bgcolor=#ffcccc align=center><font style=’color:black; font-size:18pt;’>How to make a godofhonour</font></td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor=white><font style=’color:black; font-size:12pt;’><b>Ingredients:</b><BR>
3 parts competetiveness<BR>
5 parts humour<BR>
5 parts empathy</font></td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor=#ffffcc><font style=’color:black; font-size:12pt;’><b>Method:</b><BR>Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little fitness if desired!</font></td></tr></table><div align=center>
<BR><form method="POST" action="http://www.go-quiz.com/cocktail/cocktail.php">Username:<input name="uname"><BR><input type=submit value="How do you make a ‘you’?"><BR>
</form><a href="http://www.go-quiz.com/cocktail/cocktail.php">Personality cocktail</a><BR>From <a href="http://www.go-quiz.com">Go-Quiz.com</a>